Bros,
Long time no talk. I hope everyone is doing well. I am doing ok at the moment, not great, but not awful either. I guess I'll just go subject by subject to fill you all in...
Career- The job is good. My bosses like me, and I'll be up for a promotion soon. I'm pretty sure that I am being relocated overseas for a year sometime next year which will be an awesome opportunity, but I am also a little nervous about it. I haven't received too much detail about it yet, so I'm just going to take it in the news as it comes. Although the job is going well, and I have this huge opportunity to move away for a while, I'm also getting really sick of the work, and kind of want to move on to something else. The problem is, I just don't know what I want to do next.
Love Life- My love life is good. I'm still with my girlfriend, and things are good between us. She is my best friend, and knows everything about me (except for one pretty big secret if you know what I mean). I know that I can have a happy "normal" life with her if we were to stay together and get married / have kids etc.
Having said that, I am not positive that the "normal" life is the route I want to take. I suppress my attraction to the male sex quite a bit just to fit in, and sometimes I just can't help but feel like I shouldn't have to hide this big of a secret from everyone every single day of my life. It takes a pretty large emotional toll. I don't feel this way 24/7, but I feel this way more than enough.
I've been thinking a lot about breaking up with my girlfriend and try my hand at coming out again. It is just such a hard decision because how do I know life will automatically better? How do I know it won't be worse once people actually know about me? Its also not something that I can take back either. Once I break it off with my gf, and she tells her family why - There is no turning back.
I would really appreciate some advice here from guys who have been in my shoes. I want to hear from both guys who have decided to suppress their feelings for men, married a girl and started a family, AND ALSO guys who were in serious relationships with females, but decided to break it off with their girlfriends, and come out of the closet. What are the pros and cons of both situations? Any knowledge / advice that you could pass on would be greatly appreciated.
Other- everything else is going pretty good. Friends are good, family is good, and its the holiday season again so I can't complain about much else.
Movies- I did want highlight a few movies that I've seen recently - all three are ok, I still don't think any compare to shelter, but if you're bored and want to check them out, here they are.
Just a Question of Love
The War Boys
Newcastle
So, I think that if you don´t want lie about your big secret, and think you can live a "normal" life with your girlfriend, first you should come out as bisexual to her and see if she accept her future husband being bisexual, if yes you could stay with her if you want. Second, she don't accept you, you break up with her.
ReplyDeleteYou have to be truefully with those that you intend to be with for your life.... otherwise at some point the big secret will be exposed and then the pain and hurt that results envolves everyone in your life.
ReplyDeleteI am now 53 y.o. I am married with two kids. I realized for sure that I was gay (or bi) only when I was about 37, about four years AFTER I got married (even though I know I was attractd to men before teh marriage, I fooled myself into beliveing that this was normal). I wish I had known before I got married for a couple reasons:
ReplyDelete1. If you love someone, you should be able to tell them the whole truth; like you, I have dneied to my wife that I am gay (or at least bi) even after she discovered emails and materials that led her to conclude that I am at least bisexual. It has put a major strain on our relatonship. Every fight we have eventually gets back to the "root cause" as she see it -- my homo side.
2. I wish I had tried a full gay lifestyle before comitting to a conventional hetero relationship. I love that I have two kids and by all outside objective measures I have a "perfect" family. I know better. My wife surely knows better.
So, the moral of the sory is to be thankful that you know who you are now and don't get married until your girlfriend knows all about your and you are are fully out to her ... and yourself.
Good luck my friend. Don't make the same mistake that I did.
I wish I could give you some real life experience, but I can't -- I have been gay all my life so I can't speak first hand of the incredible conflict you must feel to choose a side.
ReplyDeleteI have read a lot of bi blogs or coming out late in life blogs and all seem to say that you will not be able to suppress your male attraction forever. At some point you are going to want to stray -- whether that's because you have problems with your GF or just because you feel the tug of wanting to know and try what the other side feels like, some time down the road you are going want to explore your male attractions.
And not being allowed to probably will make you feel resentful and guilty that you are missing out. But straying will also make you feel guilty about cheating on your GF or wife or you will like so many guys rationalize it away as not really cheating but your attempts to conceal it will show you know what straying means.
If you don't want to be the cause of a lot of heart ache down the road for your wife. family, and yourself -- you need to be true to yourself now and disclose all. If your GF stays with you, she at least knowingly takes the risk and she cannot say you deceived her. She will try to change you and that's a choice she makes. Or she accepts you as you are and realizes that she may lose you to a guy at some time. Or maybe not. Who knows? But at least you are honest and respectful of her and gave her a choice to stay or go.
As for a relationship with another guy, you will never know whether that's going to be a real possibility or not unless you try. Sure, you won't have a normal life -- but you could be missing out of a great guy out there waiting for you.
Just be true to yourself and see where it takes you. You still have so much life experience ahead, why tie yourself down so young?
There are only five possible outcomes if you stay in the closet and eventually get married to a woman:
ReplyDelete1. You find total satisfaction in your marriage and therefore don't really desire men.
2. Your marriage is good, but not totally satisfying, so you continue to desire men, just as you do now.
3. You eventually realize that a woman alone will never be enough to make you happy so you start cheating with men.
4 and 5. You eventually decide that you're more gay than bi, and that makes you regret getting married. With this outcome you're either "stuck" in a marriage you don't want to be in, OR, you get divorced and come out.
If you think the first option could work for you, then your current doubts strongly suggest otherwise. If you've been with your gf for 18-24 months and you're already questioning whether men are in your future or not, how are you going to feel after five more years in the closet? Or ten? Or twenty? The early days of a relationship are the honeymoon phase. The doubts you have now are only going to grow with time.
The second option is where you are now. Are you happy? Partly? Well, if you get married and stay in the closet be prepared to live a life where "partly happy" is as good as it gets. And kids don't strengthen a marriage, btw. They can be a wonderful distraction, which can cause a questionable marriage to last much longer than it otherwise would, but after bonding you during the initial thrill of infancy, they don't bring parents together. Kids are a tremendous responsibility. Much of your time and emotional energy goes into nurturing them and that means you have less time and energy for your spouse and she for you. The natural result is that you often feel more like co-workers collaborating on an important project than you do happy lovers.
While I'm on the subject of kids...
Ask yourself if you'd want to marry a woman even if you knew you'd never have kids with her. If having kids is make-or-break for you then they're what you really want.
Don't assume that choosing a future with a man doesn't mean you could never have children of your own. If that's critically important to you, have faith in yourself that you'll make it happen.
Back to the possible outcomes...
If anyone gets married with the expectation that they "might" eventually cheat, that's crazy. If kids don't strengthen a marriage, cheating certainly won't. Cheating creates a very complicated dynamic where secrets, guilt and lies slowly sabotage the relationship. It's a band-aid that hides the real issues. For that reason, even if you never get caught, cheating is the first step toward divorce.
With respect to options four and five - if you're not sure if you're more gay than bi, getting married is not going to make you more straight. If you're not sure who you are yet, figure it out first THEN make a life-long commitment. Otherwise, if you do the opposite, you'll have at least a 50% chance of making the wrong decision and thereby permanently fucking up both your lives.
The bottom line is: if the relationship with your gf is going to have a long and positive future, you really must come out to her. And if you're going to come out to her, you might as well do it as soon as possible. Because the longer you wait, the more unhappy she's going to be that you didn't tell her sooner.
Sorry about the very long comment, but the question you're asking is the most important one of your life.
Make the right choice for the right reasons, not because of fear and not because you 'hope' everything will turn out alright.
I hope you get more comments from guys actually in that situation like you asked for, definitely lots to compare. good post!
ReplyDeleteHey bro, I was married and didn't really acknowledge that I had feelings for a guy until I met one that suddenly propelled itself into a sexual one. Once I discovered this I knew that there was no going back and that this was my preference. I had no difficulty coming out (not that I had known that I was in) and having a boyfriend has really presented no real difficulties. I don't broadcast it to the world at large, but don't hide it from those closer to me.
ReplyDeleteI left my wife and kids (the hardest part) but my daughter now lives with my boyfriend and I and they have both adjusted to having a gay dad.
I would say throw your fears out of the window and go with who you want to be. Other people are incidental to that and will support you if they want to be considered among your friends.
I'm now 55 years old. I married a woman when I was 26 when I was in denial about my attraction to men. You are so far ahead of where I was at your age. I can only tell you what I wish...I wish I had been honest with myself when I was young...I wish I had never married a woman because divorce sucks...I wish the time I've had with my husband extended back to our twenties.
ReplyDeleteBe honest with yourself and everyone else. Life is so good when you do that.
It is amazing to hear the experiences of formerly or currently married guys like Happyman and me. They are all the same. we all same the same thing. I also could not agree more than with Happyman's comment that "you are so far ahead of where I was at your age." Trust your instincts!!
DeleteHey man-
ReplyDeleteHaving been there my only advice right now is don't see your future as only 2 choices: continue to date and eventually marry this girl OR come out and be gay. It's bigger than that.
If you like this girl... then date her. If you feel unfullfilled, then don't. Nothing to do with sexuality... you may date a guy and be unfulfilled, not because you may be straight, but because you are with the wrong person.
In every relationship you may say "what if he/she isn't the right person?". But you can do that with every decision- jobs, buying a house, taking a vacation. Should I go to Hawaii or will I miss something if I don't go to Alaska??
Whenever you choose anything, you automatically give up something too. Don't think so much as what you are giving up, but what you are choosing. And if you choose her, and she chooses you... then that's really a special thing.
I've had a 4 year relationship with a guy and a 9 year relationship with a girl. I didn't break up with one for the other. If you are happy now, don't think about what you are giving up. Think about what makes this current situation work.
Hey, like a previous poster, I too am fully gay so I can't really offer any life experiences. I am pretty analytical though, so here is my advice.
ReplyDeleteIn breaking up with your girlfriend, you don't have to come out as bi. You could simply tell her that you wanna explore being single for a bit and that way you could still possibly get back together with her again in the future. You could say something along the lines of "Hey, since I wanna really be sure whether I want to commit to you and get married or not, could we put our relationship on hold for a year or so, and then maybe get back together again?" Then while your relationship with her is on hold, you could secretly date guys on the side and not tell anyone about it, or at least no one who would convey the information back to her. After having been with several guys, and comparing the experience to being with her, then you might be in a better position to decide what to finally do.
Why have I just seen your blog now? I am in the exact same position as you right now. I have a girlfriend who I love with all my heart, but I still have this thing in the back of my head that makes me wonder "what if" all of the time. I know I like guys too, but I don't know what, if anything, I should do about it. I actually got close to cheating on her after talking online to a guy. But I couldn't bring myself to doing that. I love her too much.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is just a case of the grass is always greener. But still a part of me wants to find out. If I were to break up with her, I think it would be really hard. I would probably go with the "we should take a break" route. I don't think she would take this very well, which is part of the reason I have not brought it up. Other than the fact that I just really don't know what to do. Yeah, I am pretty torn as well with what to do. And having never had any kind of a relationship with a guy before, I guess I have no idea what that would feel like.
I did like the advice that someone gave about sticking with what makes you happy, at least until you are not as happy as you think you could be anymore.
Great to see you back!
ReplyDeleteI thought there were two questions in your post. :)
In your shoes, I would jump at the chance to be assigned overseas. (All right, there might be a few places I would exclude.) It is a lifetime opportunity to be exposed to different people and cultures, to travel and to develop your own self confidence. The hardest thing about being assigned overseas is the re-entry when you come back because you won't have as much freedom at work and your friends won't really understand what has happened to you - but all that is minor in comparison to the person you will come back as. Just don't eat every meal at McDonalds, like someone I know.
On the second subject, I have been married for more years than I care to admit. I have also explored the gay side of me, which I think is the stronger side. My wife and kids have known for a while and it isn't pretty but we are still a family. On the other hand, the one or two guys I have met that I would want any kind of relationship with are in a situation similar to mine; struggling and scared. I don't think you can build a relationship on that.
Do I advocate leading a double life, which clearly includes deception? It is certainly not my first choice, but I am also certain that any choice I might have made as an arguably bisexual man with a strong Christian background would not have resolved the conflicts. One or the other would come to the fore whichever way I had turned.
I just wanted to let you know there is another point of view out there and while it isn't the most popular, it can work.
I have just been reading a story on gayauthors.org called "Crosscurrents" by Adam Phillips. It isn't finished yet - another chapter or two to go, so I'm not sure how it will come out. It delves into some of the issues you raise. Besides that it's a good read.
After you read it, you can decide whether you take the advice of another reader to tell your girl friend.
Good luck!
To thyne own self be true, I was married for 13 years, had 2 great kids and wouldn't trade them for the world but, if I had been honest with myself and true I would never had gotten married. Alot of guys don't realize that eventually you will come to resent yourself and your marraige. Once you get to that point it's a hell on earth. If you are truly bi and not gay then tell her, be honest it might be painful at first but you will eventually come to know it was the right thing to do and one day will lead to your happiness. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOk, you got a lot of comments and advice -- what do you think you are going to do?
ReplyDeleteI think the reasonable path, the one that gives you the most opportunity to really understand what you want, is to try what it is like to be with another guy. If you truly are bi, you will eventually explore that side of you. Doing it while you are still single doesn't complicate things if you are married with kids. There won't be the guilt of cheating or feeling trapped if you have to suppress your same sex attractions. In other words, the collateral damage is minimized when you do this while still single.
Yes, breaking up with your current GF now is going to cause some emotional turmoil but that will be minor compared to the situation down the road where you are married, with kids, then decide to leave her for a guy. As another commenter mentioned, you don't have to give specifics why you are breaking up -- just give the vague thing about not being ready to settle down into something serious (which is some ways is also true).
Explore your bi-sde -- you can then determine whether it is for you or not. You are not the first guy who has this dilemma but you can learn a lot from others who took the wrong path and forever regretted that decision.