Hey guys,
I hope everyone is well. First off, thank you all so much
for the kind words on my last post. A lot of you offered a lot of insightful
comments, and I appreciate everybody’s take on the subject. A lot of your
advice is definitely easier said than done.
I think I am leaning towards going with the baby steps route
though and break up with my gf just because I need some time to see if we’re
meant to be or not. She won’t take it well. Her family may not take it well
either. I think they all may be expecting me to propose soon. Tonight for
instance, I was at her house and all the while I’m sitting there eating dinner
at their kitchen table thinking about ending it all. It eats me up inside just
thinking about it. I can tell my body language towards her for even just little
things like a hug or a kiss I act like it’s a chore, and I know she notices.
I’m trying to be into it to keep her happy at least for the next month and a
half or so, and then after the holidays and couple big things we have coming up,
if I’m still feeling this way, I’m going to have to tell her that I just need
time to be alone.
I’m not committing to any decisions yet, I just wanted to
give you guys an update of what I was thinking since you guys always provide me
with insight and support.
I look back at myself last summer when I tried coming out
for the first time, and I think maybe if I just stuck with my original plan or
maybe if I just told my ex I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone
right now, and stayed single for a while to find myself. How did I end up in
this place? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.
I’m 23 years old, I should be loving every second of life right now, and that
isn’t always the case. Yes, I have a lot of fun with my friends, and my gf and
I do have great days, but then there are days like I’ve had for the last
several that I am just being torn apart by this internal struggle. I don’t know
what triggers these feelings either. Like this past summer was one of the best
summers I’ve ever had, and loved every minute of it. Why now am I all of a
sudden in this dark place where I can’t keep my shit together or make big
decisions?
Sorry for the depressing tone tonight guys. Just not feeling
sure or great about anything right now.
I just found your blog at complete random, frankly I don't remember how. I read a lot of the posts leading up to this one and have some sense of the situation. Just know it is going to be fine. If the relationship isn't working, it's not going to work. If you feel like it's a chore now, it will continue to be. Trust your gut. Even if you think you'll be hurt, you don't know how to tell your friends you may be gay, or any of that. Some time alone will help you heal. I was with girls for a long time too and genuinely thought I could make it work. I eventually realized I couldn't. You live in one of the greatest cities in the world for being gay. People are accepting and kind here, all over the city. Trust your heart and trust your gut. In the long run, that will serve you well. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, welcome to adulthood! It fucking sucks... I'm going thru something quite similar as you are. Constantly questioning and doubting myself every five minutes... this shit messes with the head but in the end the only things that matter is doing what's best for me. That's what you need to do. It will be hard and sometimes the people you love will be hurt, there's no getting around it. Furthermore, how do you know she's not feeling the sane as you?
ReplyDeleteNo need to apologize. Many of us have had doubts about all kinds of life's choices -- careers, relationships, places to work, school to go to, etc. Most times you have to decide with imperfect information and not knowing how things will turn out because you can't stay paralyzed by fear forever.
ReplyDeleteThe best you can do is evaluate your current situation -- if you are willing to settle and live a compromised life, then that's your choice. Many people do just that, then eventually regret catches up to them later on in life -- choices then have even greater consequences and impacts. Are you more adventurous or cautious? Will you regret the things you missed out on or the things you did but turned out badly? There are few guarantees in life.
Exploring your gay side could really open up the possibilities for you and that special guy could be waiting for you. If it doesn't work out, then you can go back to dating girls. At least give yourself the option of trying it out for real rather than simply imagining what it would be like. You won't know until you try. The experience will give you more knowledge to make your informed choice.
Tell her how you feel. Explain it all to her. That way she won't be caught off guard with the break up thing.
ReplyDeleteShe'll still be shocked but she'll understand why.
The fact you are still having these thoughts is proof that it will get worse with time.
They aren't going to go away. It will only get harder with time, and that you can even articulate your thoughts now also shows that its not something you will be able to deny to yourself without screwing your mind severely.
So break up with her, but explain it to her. If you love her, you'll be able to keep her in your life as a friend, assuming she sympathizes with you and understands that its not her that is the cause of the breakup.
"I wish there was a way for me to let her down easy."
ReplyDeleteThere is an easy way: tell her the truth. It's a no-lose outcome.
I could explain why, but it would be better if you figured it out yourself.
Ask yourself this question, from both your point of view and hers: Can you love your partner unconditionally if there's any possibility that they might not want to be with you?
I agree with the above commenters. You're not just hurting her, you'd also be hurting yourself...if you have doubts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the idea of "taking a break" with her may not mean it's the end of the road with her. It may just mean a break.
You could explain to her that you are thinking of marrying her but that you wanna take a break first, from the relationship, just to be absolutely sure. Surely she should be able to understand that.
ReplyDeleteIt is a tough decision but I agree with the bulk of what is suggested. I think we all wish we could make it easier for you but we can't. The end result is to have a happy and fulfilling life. The hard decision is usually the best decision. I would be honest with her about the issue. Good luck with this and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteHey buddy- I may disagree with the above crowd on one area. I wouldn't tell her why you are breaking up with her. I would just do it.
ReplyDeleteThink about it- if you met another girl, and you wanted to explore a relationship with her, would you tell your girlfriend who you say you love the truth? It would hurt her- and you don't want to hurt her. Why let her think she wasn't enough or is inadequate?
Yes- it's a cliche to say "it's not you it's me"... but we say those things to not hurt people. This is a hard breakup. You aren't leaving because she is cruel or hurts you, you are leaving because you are unfulfilled. I don't think you want her to believe she is the cause of that.
White lies can protect people we care about. You can break up with her discreetly, let her and her family think that you just need space, and then on your own explore as you would like.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like a bad person...!
As for you buddy- I like following you, and I really feel for you. I've been there- most of your followers have been there- you just need time to figure it out. Maybe the freedom of being single can help you navigate those waters.
I think JJ makes some good points. I guess you have to decide how your girlfriend would react to the news. Is she going to overreact? How mature is she? Would she turn on you? I think these are things you have to consider. Your intent is not to say it is her problem but yours but you do have to think about her feelings too. Like I said before, we all want to help!!
ReplyDeleteI know it seems hard now, but it would be much harder when you have been married for 20 years with kids, and you decide you can't take it anymore. Let her loose, doesn't mean you don't love her.
ReplyDeleteI loved my wife when I married her 20 years ago. But it was a different kind of love.
I know it is hard. I would not hit her with coming out of the closet. I would just tell her it is not working, and end it as easily as possible. You can then come out when you want to.
Good Luck and Merry Christmas.
I really do not want to offer you advice. It is your life, and in the end only you can decide what is best for you. I only know my own life. I think I can relate to your situation. I've been there, and I chose to stay with my girlfriend. She then became my wife. I love her, and I am happy with her. Even to this day. But I often wonder if I am here because I was too chicken to take what seemed to be the harder road. My life with my wife was not enough to keep me completely happy. That road today, if I chose it, would be exponentially harder.
ReplyDeleteJay
i have just stumbled across this blog. it's interesting as i have experienced many of the things described in here so i do understand the pain of going through it all. the thing is you cannot ignore none of your sides because believe me they will get back again when you least expect.
ReplyDeletehaven't read all of the blog, but could not understand something: what are your plans with guys? do you only see yourself going to bed with them or do you imagine yourself having a serious relashionship with another guy? can you imagine yourself falling in love with a guy?
you should follow what you desire most. come to mind that nietzsche quote "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself".
think about yourself and think about if you were in somebody else's shoes. lies and a double life will not lead you anywhere, only to more pain. this doesn't mean you have to come out to the world. you should just follow your heart normally and other people don't have to know what are you doing or not. it's your life, not theirs.
sorry for leaving an anonymous comment but i don't have a blogger account. i'll be back again to this blog.
best of luck
~p~
She is entitled to know what she's getting into if she marries you. You don't have to come out to her if you break up, although it might make it easier for her to take. But it would be totally unfair of you to marry her without letting her know about your feelings toward men, so she can make a reality-based decision on whether or not to marry you. Because it's not all about you, it's about her too,
ReplyDeleteif you're staying in the relationship because of her and not for you that's already a bad start. i think another commenter said it's not like you have to tell her why you are breaking up. you need some time to figure out what you want and that's the truth. just make it simple. you need the space. and definitely don't propose or do soemthing crazy like that just because you feel you have to.
ReplyDelete