I hope everyone is well. First off, thank you all so much for the kind words on my last post. A lot of you offered a lot of insightful comments, and I appreciate everybody’s take on the subject. A lot of your advice is definitely easier said than done.
I think I am leaning towards going with the baby steps route though and break up with my gf just because I need some time to see if we’re meant to be or not. She won’t take it well. Her family may not take it well either. I think they all may be expecting me to propose soon. Tonight for instance, I was at her house and all the while I’m sitting there eating dinner at their kitchen table thinking about ending it all. It eats me up inside just thinking about it. I can tell my body language towards her for even just little things like a hug or a kiss I act like it’s a chore, and I know she notices. I’m trying to be into it to keep her happy at least for the next month and a half or so, and then after the holidays and couple big things we have coming up, if I’m still feeling this way, I’m going to have to tell her that I just need time to be alone.
I know you’re all going to say that the pain now will be way less than what it will be 5 - 10 years down the line, and maybe you’re all right. What if you’re not though? What if by ending it I make the biggest mistake of my life? I’ve had so many firsts with her, and I honestly do love her, and by no means want to cause her any pain. I feel like she is so fragile and by me just saying I need a break out of nowhere is going to catch her totally off guard. I don’t know how she’ll take it, I think she’ll feel so betrayed, and I hate that it would be because of something I did. I wish there was a way for me to let her down easy.
I’m not committing to any decisions yet, I just wanted to give you guys an update of what I was thinking since you guys always provide me with insight and support.
I look back at myself last summer when I tried coming out for the first time, and I think maybe if I just stuck with my original plan or maybe if I just told my ex I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and stayed single for a while to find myself. How did I end up in this place? I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I’m 23 years old, I should be loving every second of life right now, and that isn’t always the case. Yes, I have a lot of fun with my friends, and my gf and I do have great days, but then there are days like I’ve had for the last several that I am just being torn apart by this internal struggle. I don’t know what triggers these feelings either. Like this past summer was one of the best summers I’ve ever had, and loved every minute of it. Why now am I all of a sudden in this dark place where I can’t keep my shit together or make big decisions?
Sorry for the depressing tone tonight guys. Just not feeling sure or great about anything right now.