Whats up Guys?
I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine is still going
because our office got the day off for President’s day. I’m not doing much for
it though, just woke up a little bit ago, made some scrambled eggs with some
Frank’s Hot Sauce, which was awesome. I’ve built quite an addition to hot sauce
lately, I put it on pretty much everything. Anyways, I’ll just be chillin,
recovering from the weekend. I’m going to head to the gym in a little bit to
get a good pump in.
Anyways, I’ve been thinking more about living life as a gay
man, and I think I kind of figured out what scares me the most about it. I wouldn’t be worried about too much in the
short term. I’m a young guy, I stay in good shape, and I don’t think I’d have a
problem getting laid if I wanted to. Also, my parents already now, so while
they would be a little upset about it, I think they will eventually get over it. I don’t
know if all of my friends will stay as close to me, but I feel that the
majority at least would. Even if they didn’t I’ve made quite a few friends
through this blog, and other means along my journey who I know would be there
for me. I think that the scariest part for me is the uncertainty of finding a
partner that I want to spend the rest of my life with. A man that I can wake up
next to everyday and be there for him, and he be there for me. A man I can
trust, a man I can be myself around, and a man that is completely open with me.
I want to be able to revel in each other’s successes and mourn in each other’s
failures. A man that can and will raise
children with me, that will help me coach our kid’s teams, videotape recitals,
help with book reports and homework, someone that both myself and our children
can depend on.
I know divorce can be tough on families, but at least there is a family in the first place. I know that sounds a little messed up, and
trust me, I’m not a huge proponent of divorce. Every marriage has its issues,
and if there are kids involved, you should do whatever it takes to make the
marriage work for their sake. I truly
believe that once there are kids involved, everything changes. Your own
happiness should never come first once you’ve committed to brining a child into
this world. Your own happiness won’t come first again until your child is grown
and a productive member of society.
Wow, so I went on a little bit of a rant, and got off topic
a bit, I apologize. Alright well I started this post when I woke up at 7:00 AM
(hence my scrambled eggs at the beginning), but am just finishing it up at
about 1:00 PM because I got a bit distracted in the middle ha. Alright bros, I
think that is about all I’ve got for today. Today’s picture theme is athlete
bros.
Just a few comments. First, while all of the things you say you are concerned about are true, most, if not all of them are true whether your mate is gay or hetero.
ReplyDeleteSecond, do you honestly believe that you can live life as a heterosexual? Is that really an option? I mean forever? Or at least the next 25 years? Because, if it is, then you should do it. Because it's easier. Well, a lot of things are easier. But if you are truly gay, then a lot of things won't be easier....like getting a few years into it, and realizing you really need some dick to make you complete. So you start living a double life, acting straight around one group, and hiding your 'other side' from them. But not truly being able to be honest and open with anyone. That won't be easier.
Yes, a lot of non-hetero's end up alone at some or maybe multiple points in their lives. But you know what, so do heteros. And the non-heteros who pretend to be heteros end up alone all of the time because they can never be true to anyone....always living that lie.
Obviously, I have an opinion. I can offer one because I am one of those non-heteros who just couldn't live the gay life...in 1985. It truly is a lot different today, although not perfect, but it is also getting better all the time.
So, I will end with this. If I were to do it all over, in today's society, I would be gay and out all the way. Not a flamboyant, wimpy twink [not that I don't like them, it's just not me], but a man who loves NFL football, camping, working out, and who also happens to like other men.
I hope this comment didn't turn out to be negative...not intended that way. Just a POV.
Good luck on your journey and keep writing.
[BTW, did you ever ask your uncle why he didn't want to join everyone? Or actually go out of your way to invite him? You might be surprised at his answer.]
You realize your worries about finding the right partner is a universal concern, and not because you are gay?
ReplyDeleteBeing gay and finding a partner who wants to raise a family, and live happily ever after is probably a more difficult challenge than S8 couples but not impossible. Think about this, there are so many gay guys lamenting the lack of guys who want to settle down, that they must be out there some where.
And you are wise to try to find the right person for you, because divorce, while available, is an ugly, divisive process that can damage your kids in so many ways. In addition it will take a tremendous toll on the partners emotionally, psychologically, financially, ever which way that you don't want to rely on that to be your escape plan. I have seen too many people get divorce, for many reasons but the underlying one is the broken trust. That's why so many of us have advised you to be honest with your GF if she is not going to be part of your future. It's not fair to her and neither to your own happiness.
As for your uncle, he grew up in a different time, with much less acceptance. Many gays back then would self-isolated themselves, thinking that family would not be welcoming. It would be great if you were to talk to him about your own struggles. He may have some wisdom to share with you and would welcome having a nephew like himself.
In your journey to find yourself, you will make mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. Others who have struggled with this already have lessons to share with you so you don't have to learn the hard way. You won't know what's at end of the path if you never take it, so keep your options open. Fear will prevent you from acting, until inaction itself becomes unbearable.
hey do you still check your email?
ReplyDeleteThe others have covered most of the topics I was going to comment on. I think your parents will accept you especially if you have a gay uncle. I am 59 and I still live alone. It was all too much for me. That is why I wish anyone like yourself make a life now and don't end up like me or your uncle. Also, I would suggest sharing your story with him. It might help him to talk to you. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHow long do you expect to live? Lots of Baby Boomers are going to live to be over 100. You'll have 40 more years of medical progress than them to help you live an even longer, better life. But let's say you only live to 85. Which decade of your life do want to be your craziest? Your 60s? Your 70s? No. Your 20s. Don't be in a rush to grow up. You have plenty of time for that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, having kids is like being bi-polar. The highs are really high and the lows are really low. But more than anything THEY'RE A TON OF WORK. Go spend a week in a convalescent home. As we age, we regress. We eventually lose the ability to take care of ourselves and become more baby-like. Let me tell you, a week spent taking care of a 96yo is WAY easier than a week taking care of a 2yo. Any guy who is in a rush to have kids in his 20s is crazy. You have plenty of time for that. Steve Martin is 66 and just had his first kid.
Be totally crazy in your 20s, somewhat less crazy in your early 30s, and settle down in your late 30s. Have your first kid between 38 and 48.
If you make that your life plan than the whole men vs. women question is easy. Enjoy men when you're young. If you meet someone spectacular...awesome. If you don't, start dating women. Women are way more willing to date a man older than they are. You could be 38 and have 20-something women who are thrilled to date you because you're not an immature 25yo. Also, women are better companions as you age.
There are a lot of men who come out of the closet in their 40s and 50s. Do you think they have an easier time dating men than straight men of the same age have dating women? No way. It's much harder for older gay men - your uncle might be an example of that (although one person's experience should never be assumed to represent the experiences of millions of others).
If you're going to 'come out' in mid-life, you're way better off coming out as straight than gay. Think about it!
wow, TwoLives, what a novel suggestion! it actually makes sense too ahah. be gay now and be straight later if needed. mmm
DeleteI'm a bi married man. I have a wife, a have a great business, I have great kids. I have many friends gay and straight. I can tell you the overwhelming amount of gay men I know, while satisfied with certain aspects of their professional lives, seem to be alone in their personal life.
ReplyDeleteFor me it was a no-brainer. I couldn't imagine a life with out my family. What the future has in-store for me Idk. But I don't regret for one second getting married and bringing my children into this world. And I know my wife would feels the same way.
I consider myself a creative, visual, sexual kinda guy. I'm a man that can wear many different hats. But I am not letting my dick run my life. So I think it just really comes down to the future you invision for yourself.
Does you wife know you are bi? I think that's the biggest issue for All-American here, whether he should tell his GF and see if she is willing to accept his same sex attraction. If you can share how you navigated the choice to disclose or not, that would give AA some pros and cons to think about.
DeleteMany of us have advocated for full disclosure, but as a gay guy myself, i can only imagine the difficult choice and fear that surrounds his decision. While I can empathize with the coming out, I cannot fake the emotions of having to choose a gal or a guy.
FofC,
ReplyDeleteThat's something AA already knows the answer too. And what I mean by that is, at this point in his relationship, he should know her well enough, to have figure out the kind of woman she is. Is she conservative, outgoing, open to alternative lifestyles, etc.. I'm gonna give an educated guess and say if he really wants to marry her, and she's a conservative woman, its probably not a good idea, but again I think deep down AA already knows the answer to this question.
As for myself, my wife and my kids come befor everything else. For me its a sacrifice that I would gladly make over and over again. Being a father is my greatest accomplishment.
I kinda feel the same way man. After talking to a few guys and hooking up with a few. I haven't really found one that I can truly see myself spending the rest of my life with. Maybe one day though.
ReplyDeleteHey, Bud:
ReplyDeleteI guess in a way I'll be the devil's advocate on this one....
I'm a typical mid-40s year old white guy who still gets the reaction, "Are you shitting me--you're gay?" when I tell people. (It's partially because I was a man-whore with women before I finally started living the life I wanted.) I'm more into the gay "bear" culture--would rather have a beer, love jeans and sneakers, and would rather die than attend a musical. I still hang with a core of friends from elementary/high school, and the only difference is that I'm still the one who might still have a story that ends in, "Well, I picked up my gun and...."
I've been with my husband since I was 30 and he was 22--together over sixteen years, married (Canada, ring and all) for nine. There were a few years of "friends with benefits"/dating before we moved in together, and a few more before we got married (wanted to be sure he was really "the right one"). We've had a typical marriage--times we adore each other, and times we wanted to kill the others... Times we fucked like drugged bunnies, and other times where I would rather have cut my penis off than let him touch it...
As far as our professional lives, there is no difference between us and our hetero counterparts--I have been a professor, a lobbyist, have multiple grad degrees (including a doctorate), while the Spousal Unit (one of my nicknames for him) has a masters, and makes far more in IT than I'll ever make.... Just like straight couples, we've had the discussions on whose career takes precedence at a certain point, and even have done the long-distance thing once (hint: sucks donkey balls).
As far as finding guys--it amazes me that not only is there a decent pool of guys to find and date (and even marry), but the pool keeps expanding. Part of that is because there is more acceptance of gays, especially now that we can marry, so more guys are coming out of the closet than ever before. Moreover, the biggest shock is that in your 40s (and what I see with friends, even 50s), there is a huge pool of younger guys who like the older "daddy" guys. (I swear, it would be far easier for me to get laid and date now, than it was in my 30s.)
The biggest difference I see between gay and hetero couples? Gay couples do not have the ungodly pressure to (1) get married immediately, and (2) have kids immediately. When I was "straight," all I ever heard was "When are you going to settle down and give us grandkids?" Once I told my folks--that pressure disappeared overnight. Instead, my sister started getting it--and instead of resisting, she ended up getting married and having kids before she really wanted to do either. The lack of pressure has allowed me and the Spousal Unit to move and work in different places (including Europe), take trips around the world, and set our own pace.
That doesn't mean you can't have kids--I know gay couples who have adopted, or "had" a kid during their "straight" phase and then ended up divorced (definitely NOT the route I would recommend), and one couple is even going the surrogate route. The difference is that you can arrange that on your own time, instead of having parents give you grief all the time. In our case, we've seriously considered kids, and rejected the idea (three dogs, and a nephew I call Demon Spawn killed that notion), but the best thing is that it's our choice, on our timetable.
Now, it's not all rainbows and unicorns--like anything, relationships are hard-ass work, especially to keep them going. But I also know that if I had given in to "conventional wisdom," and gotten married to a girl, I'd be divorced.
Oh, well, hope this gives you an alternate viewpoint on the whole thing. (Damn, I should have just written you a book and mailed it.) If you feel like talking, let me know... Good luck!
Hi just discovered your blog this morning (Thanks Nate) My story short version is my dad was gay. I fought like hell to prove to myself I wasn't. Married had 2 kids. Came out and moved out almost a year ago. Shouldn't have been so honest until after the divorce but that's another story. I wish I had done it sooner. I went through my "active" phase and am starting to settle down. Amazingly, I have found a woman who has no problem with me being gay. She and both of my current boyfriends all get along, we spent New Year's eve together. The point is as you get older, you will find yourself more attracted to men, not less. I cannot tell you the number of men I have met who went this route. Including one who didn't even know he was gay or had sex with men until almost 50! There seems to be something about getting older with men that increases the attraction to men. Personally I think it is because in our culture, women aren't perceived to age as well. I find younger women okay to look at but, I can get aroused by men in their 60's. Good luck to you whichever way you go.
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds pretty clear what it is you want, you're just afraid to pull the trigger and devote yourself entirely to it. Yeah, it's scary to think that you won't find that perfect guy, but by holding yourself back now, and for the forseeable future, you're just letting chances go by to find that guy. You're still really young, so you've got a lot of time, but do you really want to be one of these guys who comes to in his 30s or 40s and says, 'I can't do this anymore.'?
ReplyDeleteMaybe just ask yourself where you want to be, what sort of life you want to have, in like 10 years, then ask yourself (because you seem smart) how you will get there. Then make a plan. Like other commenters have said, your desires for guys won't go away, and if you pretend they don't exist, they'll just eat away at you in the years ahead. Don't let that happen to you.
Yeah I think we all think about that at certain points in out life. I just took it a day a time and tried to keep an open mind. Life is ironic sometimes you tend to find things you never expected when you just sit back and decide to look.
ReplyDelete